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The Ex I Still Love.

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It was a 1-minute conversation over Facebook with Aarav (my ex) after 2 years of breakup that made me feel what he meant to me. Although we are miles apart now but I was still able to feel my heart pounding for him. I never felt the same for Abhinav, my current boyfriend. You must be thinking how messed up my life is. It is and It all started when Aarav left me about 2 years for now and I just lied to myself that it was a mutual breakup. It was not, I was a very possessive bitch and this led to the loss. Insecurities often lead to disasters.

 

I met Aarav through a mutual friend while I was in college. It was never a first sight love and why would I fall for him on the first sight after all he was an average looking person and I was the one who would only come in his dreams. You must be guessing why I fell for him. Well I still do not know. He had something weird in him that always attracted me but he was very sure from the day 1 that he loved me. We girls are always in dilemma when it comes to love although we never get confused when it comes to differentiating between six shades of pink.

After a brief introduction, we were instant friends. We became each other habits and the talks were not limited to college. We even have long conversation over calls and texts. Something was brewing between us and that was beautiful. Early days of blooming romance is the most beautiful thing as you do not know what is this feeling that keeps you surrounded through the day and even in the night. Sounds like a dream though but if it is destined it happens that fast I guess.

One Fateful Night.

“Mansi, what would you do after I get married to some person other than you?”

“Why would that be a problem for me Aarav? I do not even love you.” We both paused for a minute and silence ran through the wire.

“Same question for you Aarav, what would you do after I get married to some person other than you?” I asked him the question just to break the ice.

“That would hurt me bad Mansi because I love you”, He replied instantly even before the next moment would arrive. You know what happens when you hear someone expressing love for you. You feel good. You feel preserved and delighted.

“I know you love me” and that is all I replied. Although I should have said that, I love you too but the dilemma thing always happens. We need to ask our girls to authenticate our feelings towards some person and believe me they are never wrong.

The Next Day!

He came to college but was bit nervous about things that happened last night. It is always easier to say something over phone call or text I guess.

‘’You look beautiful today’’ he came and said out-front. I blushed and he knew he has grabbed my attention. I was surprised as he was never a fan of praising me. He handed me a note. Why boys do these stuffs when they fall in love? I wonder. However, the moment I read it, I was in tears. It had just a sentence written over it.

If you ever get married to some person other than me then it would hurt me very bad Mansi because I love you.

This is what I never expected. I was in tears, hugged him and said in his ears that I love him.

“I know you love me”, he replied.

We had our first date in the college canteen and it lasted longer than the college hours. We decided to walk home together today just to make memories more beautiful. Walking is romantic when you are in love otherwise its really boring. We kept walking together talking some of the most useless stuffs but god we loved being together. While we were passing a narrow lane, he took my hand and entangled his fingers to mine. That was beautiful and I still remember that touch. I leaned over his shoulder and said nothing.

I was only thinking why love is so amazing. Why it didn’t happen soon? However, you know love happens when nothing seems correct and when it happens it astounds you. After you fall in love, you start seeing things a new way.

It was Sunday and we had planned a movie date together. He booked a corner seat just to make things perfect. We sat amidst people that were not visible in the dim light. He crossed his hands to mine and I leaned on his shoulder. Why the movie theatres in India are not couple friendly? Why they install an immovable armrest between two seats. How could you be with each other when a cold armrest is between you and him?

It was after a while he leaned towards me to do what that loser should have done bit earlier. He placed his lips over mine and I had butterflies inside my stomach. The best things about first kiss is that it’s the first one. We left the theatre around nine and we walked towards home.

“I am planning to get a job after I finish my graduation? What about you?” He asked.

“My parents want me to study more.” I replied.

“So that means we will have to be in a long distance relationship after few months.” He kept his point. I did not answer.

I have seen people losing their love after they went for a long distance relationship. I have even seen people cheating each other in a long distance relationship. I just cried, as I didn’t want him to go away from me. I had a fear of losing him.

Anyway, he had to go for a job that was far away from my city. He was practical when it comes to life. His train was schedule to depart at 3:00 AM in morning. So, I planned to stay at his place to be with him while he was leaving. Obviously, I lied to my parents about the night out. He too wanted the same.

I have visited his room few times but it was all vacant now. All his stuff was packed and has just a bed left for both of us. We planned to stay up all night just to talk and make promises that are always hard to fulfil.

It was 1:10 AM and suddenly I had a thought that i have just some more moments with him and he will leave. I hugged him tightly and started crying. He lifted my face, wiped my tears and gave a kiss. I was asking for more and he never refused. He kept on kissing and his hands started moving all over my body. Night always comes with seduction. He unzipped my jacket to remove it. I kept both my hands over my breast, as I was shy. Slowly he removed my hands and unhooked my bra with ease. I was all in his arms. He started loving my breast and soon I was moaning. We both were naked in the night full of stars and I was able to feel him inside me. I loved him the way I always wanted.

It was 2:00 AM and he booked an Uber. The station was around 45 minutes away from his house. We both picked our clothes and dressed up for the ride.  I cried throughout the journey and he kept consoling me. He made promises that I knew were never real. Emotion makes us to do things that aren’t real.

His train departed at 4:05 AM, Shruti came with her boyfriend to pick me up from the station. I cried hugging her. The pain was unbearable for me. I wanted to stop him but he never listen. Although he loved me but was excessively practical. I just wanted to be with him and nothing else. I was not able to stop crying and neither I was able to think what I would do without him.

I started feeling fine after few days. He kept calling me around 8 times a day just to make me feel good and he was able to do so. After all I wanted was him and his love. When friends fall in love, it is always a different thing. Either they ruin everything they had or they go on to become inspiration for those legendary Hollywood flicks. There is nothing wrong in falling in love but expectation is a futile thing. With distance comes suspicion, insecurities, obsession and over possessiveness. I was filled by all of them. This story is more like confession about what I did wrong to jeopardise my whole life.

He soon made friends at the new office as he was trying to fit in. Whenever he would not answer my calls, I would have second thoughts in my mind. I never wanted anyone to touch him or even be with him. I do not know when this all happened to me but I was getting very possessive about my love. This is what long distance does to you. It takes the spirit out of your life. It sucks to be with someone who is not here but is pretending to be with you.

Our relationship never had those impractical things like hugging over the phone or even kissing. Kissing over the phone feels like desperation to fuck. I wanted to be with him practically but that was not possible. I guess I became the clingiest girlfriend in a very short span of time. I would fight more than loving him.

I often feel bad for him now. He tried handling me in my worst days but was never appreciated for it. One night after a big fight he texted me.

I know you think that I am banging chicks here and not missing you but believe me you are the one I crave for. I may sound rude to you in this message but believe me you have made me to do this. I am trying too hard to be normal and love you but what the fuck has happened to you? Why are behaving so weird. Why are so possessive about anyone around me. Why can’t someone talk to me? Why can’t someone go on a trip with me? You do not own me Mansi and you should know that. Being insecure is normal but you are obsessed with me. You know you keep hurting me everyday and I cry but I just can’t go away as I love you.

I knew I would lose him but I didn’t change the things. Instead, I asked him to rethink his decision about staying with me. Next morning he called me, said he will be tomorrow in my town, and wants to meet me. I denied first but I too wanted to see him. I nodded with yes.

Next Day.

I was waiting for him at the station as his train arrived. He was not the same as he left me. Worries were visible on his face. He just waved hi. We both walked across the platform without even saying a single word. We sat in a nearby café to have breakfast.

“Aarav, you have changed a lot.” I said.

“You are the reason behind it Mansi and he had tears in his eyes. I never want to leave you but here I am tired of loving you. Tired of making you understand that I love you more that you think.”

He has a note in his left hand and he passed it to me. It read,

If you ever get married to some person other than me just keep him happy.

He didn’t say a word after that and left. I sat there in arrogance. I too came to meet him to discuss breakup but he had made his mind. I thought he would plead to me not to go away and why would not he. I was the one beautiful and he was the one who proposed me. However, it didn’t happen like that. Neither I stopped him nor did he turn around to have a look.

He called me after an hour. He was taking a bus back to his town.

“I know you would have deleted all our photos by now but there is only one question I want to ask. Will I be your last love?”

His question shook my heart I had tears. I kept the phone and cried helplessly. I wanted to go back with him but I knew it was too late. The obsessed possessive bitch has done its work.

Current Day!

“Hey Mansi, how is life?” The familiar messenger sound came but it was a message request and that too from Aarav. I accepted.

“Oh! I am fine” I replied.

“I know you would never get someone who would talk to you this way” He texted.

“And how do you know that?” I asked.

“Because I always said what you wanted to listen.” He replied.

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