‘Yes! I am insane. Fuck you bitch.’
‘Wish you could’ Stuti had taunt in her voice. I started laughing at her reply. These were the last word we spoke to each other before splitting our ways. Actually, she didn’t smell that nice, boys were better than her at least for me. After four months of the relationship, she finally discovered that I am a gay. This was my maiden relationship with a girl.
She started kissing me as we were alone in her house. She thought I was shy to initialise physical relationships. Actually, I never wanted to; I never felt seduction in her arms. She slowly undressed me and herself too. She placed my palms over her breasts and I backed down.
‘Baby! What happened?’
‘I don’t feel like making love with you Stuti’
‘What?’ aback by my reply she started wrapping her clothes.
‘I am gay’ silence ran through the compartment.
‘Asshole, you retard, now you are telling me this thing, it’s been 4 months since we are dating. You insane fucking gay’ she shoved my ass with her words.
‘Yes! I am insane. Fuck you bitch.’
‘Wish you could.’
She never understood me. Was getting physical everything? Can’t we be friends? I expected her to stand by me. Expectations are always futile. I should have told her earlier, but it was fun with her, especially her last words. So desperate was she to taste sex. Her diary would be so different tonight maybe like;
I undressed and him too just to find he is a gay. virgin me.
It’s tough to pretend differently from your identity. I wasn’t able to walk away from my originality, so I accepted it and soon people laughed. They thought it was funny but it wasn’t. They laughed and made me feel cursed. Believe me being cursed is not that different from dying slowly from inside. I proposed Stuti to make sure the rumors die in the air. My masculine anatomy and a girlfriend made the rumors to vanish. I was not the culprit of her, people were. They made me do what was morally incorrect.
Every second a thought arrived in my mind. I wish I could make something out of it. Wish to make Stuti laugh again. I walked on the pedestrian laughing and crying at the same time. I was at my home.
‘Say’, he replied sitting on the couch watching the same fucking news channel.
‘We are willing to get the verdict of supreme court over the issue of homosexual acts , will this become a historical judgment or will just go down. For more updates stay tuned.’ The reporter heavily emphasized on those last words ‘stay tuned’.
‘I am a homosexual’, I said.
‘What do you mean by that?’ He said after clearing his throat chocked by use of the word homosexual.
‘I am a gay.’
‘You impure breed stay away from the corners of my house’, and he kicked me out. My dad never taught me to do uneven things but he did. It’s easy to recommend good practices but hard to follow.
My ass is still bruised. He must be a good football player at his time. That kick had a ton of impact or maybe a taekwondo player. God knows but I felt pain. If you have pain then it must be your heart possessing it. He didn’t deserve to be served in his old age. God must have been watching over me. If he has made me then he must not be a god; they don’t do mistakes.
‘Watch out kid or you going to be pissed by my car’, horns erupted my thoughts.
‘Common I am on the right side of lane.’
‘Screw you’, he replied innocently maybe.
He must be a gay wants to screw me. I laughed on my own analysis. I started concentrating on the lanes and houses with the board of TO-LET. It’s not that hard to get a house to live in when you have money. Now it sucks. I didn’t have a penny but my bag had. Thanks mother! Someday you will definitely reach the doors of heaven. I rented an apartment for 4000 bucks.
‘Hey, I am Sandesh’ he was standing on the door.
‘Hello! Myself Subhash’, I replied.
‘So you are our new renter?’ his tone was calm and composed.
‘And you are a gay’, his eyes ran through mine in search of an answer.
‘W…What? Who…who the hell told you this shit? No, I am not a gay.’ I was so surprised by his observation.
‘So you stammer while lying.’ Fuck! How can he be so exact?
‘No it’s not like that and I am not a gay.’ This time, I delivered with more ease.
‘But I am!’
He came closer to me and kept his hands over mine. Wow! It felt like different, like one I was starving for. I witnessed Goosebumps everywhere. He was tall, handsome and gay.
‘Hey, subash Morning ! should I drop you somewhere?’ Sandesh was with his bike as I was leaving for an interview at an NGO for a job.
‘Yes! It would be so thankful to you’, I wasn’t able to resist that particular feeling which his presence gave to me. Those goose bumps were beautiful.
‘So, what you are up to? I mean where are you heading towards?’ Sandesh asked.
‘Nothing much! Going for an interview at ‘EHES’. It’s an NGO that works for….
………. the rights of Homosexuals. ‘Entangled Hands Entangled Souls’ he completed from where he took over.
‘How do you know about this? Don’t tell me you work there! ‘, surprised I was.
‘I am in the ‘create awareness team’ there, we organize plays, nukkad nataks to let people know that we also have the same blood.’ He went on saying.
You know many of times we have been stoned while performing, abused and thrashed publically but no one ever spoke. They see the blood coming out from our wounds but they never felt it was red.
I knew from the first day that you are a gay and you are thrown out. You remember those text messages telling you to rent an apartment? Those were directed from our NGO. Take these 4000 bucks and pay when you start earning.
‘Come for a beer tonight’, really money speaks. I took the total sum and we reached EHES.
‘All the best for interview’
‘Thanks’, I collected my document and went towards the interview room. Surprisingly there was quite a rush. I never imagined this kind of response from a bunch of people who have a very lame identity.
‘Subash Vijay!! The peon came up with my name. I felt my beats high and sweating in my palms.
‘Have a seat gentleman. So let’s start. Before you introduce yourself I would like to ask you some questions.’
A man in his mid 40’s with scars on his face was there. He probably was a gay.
‘Are you a gay?’ he went straight.
‘Are you ashamed of it?’
‘Are you afraid of the society? That they will not accept you as you are.’
‘I have been rejected, sir! My Dad kicked me out from my house rather his house. That’s a sure sign of rejection. I guess so.’ I don’t know how I came up with this kind of reply but yes it was worth applauds.
‘Do you feel cursed?’
I paused for a moment or maybe more and then went on to say.
‘My mom misses me and howls but still she can’t adore her own child. Being introvert she can’t even express herself. I feel cursed for this fact. My girlfriend ‘stuti’, although I never wanted to be in a relationship but the society made me do so. She must have wept over for the things happened to her. I betrayed her. I feel cursed for this fact. I was never that person which my dad expected me to be. I feel cursed for this fact. I never feel cursed for the thing that I am a homosexual. I feel cursed because of the consequences.’
‘You seem like so hurt’
‘Definitely I am’.
‘See subash our NGO works for the betterment of our people. We are like a family. I mean to say you will be asked to support us in every single step of our organization wholeheartedly. Do you agree with that?’
‘Yes, I have cried over these things and I don’t want others to cry also’.
The interview lasted for nineteen odd minutes with a job letter in my hand.
‘Join us from tomorrow. We will hone your other skills too.’ The interviewer had a grin smile on his face.
4th day (Morning)
11th December 2013
Sandesh! A loud and threatening voice came to my eardrums. It was my landlord.
Sandesh Wake up! Your dad is screaming. He won’t love to see us in this condition.
This old fuck can cough also. He screamed like a warhorse.
He was screaming at his highest pitch and was about to faint. Sandesh took his sleepers and went straight to his dad. I accompanied him.
‘Sandesh are you a gay?’ He slapped his own son.
‘Don’t lie Sandesh. Mr. Shukla came in the morning and told me to keep you away from the rallies going to held today opposing the Supreme Court’s verdict against homosexual acts. They said it’s against nature and dirty.’
‘He is lying.’
With every word a slap was falling and Sandesh was on the receiving end. Sandesh didn’t answer any of his slaps and queries. Maybe it amplified Mr. Awasthi’s anger.
‘Don’t you understand what I am saying? Answer me you shit.’
He then slapped on his face. It was bit intense and Sandesh collapsed. He became pale his breath abnormal then slow and He died.
‘Answer me Sandesh!’ Mr. Awasthi unaware of what had happened to Sandesh was still fetching for answers.
The slap had tons of intensity Sandesh fell on the glass table and it broke. His temple swelled up and pieces of glass penetrated his chest. It was very soft. He died without even acknowledging the depth of his pain. Tears were flowing from his eyes but he was dead.
This world doesn’t have a place for people like us. Everyone is going to love you until you tell them that you are a different sex. A new sex. They will scream aloud as if they see the devil in you, they will throw pebbles on your character and will keep haunting you till you quit. Quitting will happen to you as a necessity, not an option. Being undesirables is a curse and you are chosen to be hated.
I was able to hear applauds from the audiences. They were sobbing and clapping, no one shouted my name. No one uttered a single word in my praise but I knew I have chocked their hearts, played with their emotions still they were hungry for more. They were clapping and clapping. It was another successful night at the studio.
My show was on high with the season ending with this story.
I packed my stuff and went on the streets. People were waiting outside for a chat. They praised the story and the way I delivered it and mention how the climax made them realize that homosexuality is a curse. It isn’t a curse. Society has termed it as a curse.
I took a taxi and went straight to home. Stuti was on the door waiting for me. She was draped in a saree and was clapping.